Tag: sexual assault

Guest Blogs

Would You Be Me?

iwalkwithalimp

This deeply resonates with me.

Patricia Grace

Exhaustion runs deep, into my core, my blood, bones, every atom of my being. I am tired. Even with enough sleep, I am tired. Winter’s weariness? Failures of self?

“It hard being me,” I lament to a friend, and whisper out-loud to the gods. It is hard being me, and I’m tired of it.

My thoughts tend to believe the worst every time, and that tendency consumes me in winter. Bleakness of soul matches the frigid temps. The havoc of this engulfs me in ways that wreck relationships. Others there willing to love, offering warmth and real caring, are shoved away brusquely. My best feature is turning away from you coldly.

Is that all there is left from childhood? Taking my trust, only coldness remains. I need you to keep away from me. Aloof, yet needy. It is so tiring being me. Dreaming of being someone else consumes me once…

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Mental Health

Beneath the Surface

iwalkwithalimp

It’s been three weeks since I spoke on the phone with my brother, Kevin – the brother who physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused me for years as a child and teenager. It was the first time we have spoken in twenty-seven years. He called my folks on Christmas day. My mother, who has Alzheimer’s… Continue reading Beneath the Surface

Guest Blogs

The Price of Abuse

iwalkwithalimp

Patricia Grace

photo by Patricia

Price tag? One life.

Thinking back on my life, and looking at it now,  the wonder is how this place was achieved with so much trauma and anxiety ruling each day.  The power of one individual makes me take stock, but with a sense of sadness at what was stolen.

My life is worth admiration. Yet I’m not in it enough to appreciate that fact. There it is beside me as if I’m living that life apart from the real body and being. Retreating to my safe place is where I still go.

Though work occurs now to be present in the moment, it is work. At least now there is awareness that I go elsewhere.

A therapist once said, “Just show up.”

What did that mean? Years later, after the book, and delving into the community of women survivors of childhood sexual abuse blogging on-line, I…

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Guest Blogs

The Quiet Descent to Tender Ground

iwalkwithalimp

The healing power of perseverance…

Untangled

Eight years of muscle straining, oxygen deprived, mind exploding, grief-laden work to manage the grip of the skeleton hands of the past.

The rocky terrain and deep crevasses that held the traps of programmed words ready to pull me down into oblivion were navigated at a snail’s pace of impatient mindfulness.

Deafening winds and echoes of the past kept knocking me down, pushing me sideways, making it hard to grip the rope.

After every storm passed
I took the time to rest in the snow caves of acceptance.

So many times, wanting to give up, give in to the beast of symptoms.
But trusting, knowing, that my Sherpa would guide me through the sharpest peaks and deepest valleys.

Summiting many times, thinking there were no more hidden mountains.
Then catching glimpse of the last, gnarly climb looming just around the bend.

Everything inside me screams, “No, leave it!”
I intuitively…

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Mental Health

Phone Call with My Brother

iwalkwithalimp

I went to my mother and stepfather’s over the Christmas holiday, to bring my mother to my oldest brother’s house to spend Christmas with our family – sans my abusive brother, Kevin. While visiting with my parents, Kevin called to wish them Merry Christmas. As he spoke with my mother, I heard him ask how… Continue reading Phone Call with My Brother

Mental Health

Stability is a Good Thing

iwalkwithalimp

I haven’t been posting much lately because I’ve felt like I have nothing to write about. Nothing much has been happening in my life these past few months – other than my abusive brother contacting me, that is, which I just wrote about. Then there’s the publication of my book and the two readings I… Continue reading Stability is a Good Thing

Taking Care of Myself

My Brother Made Contact

iwalkwithalimp

For those of you who have been following my blog, you know that I was sexually, physically, and psychologically abused by one of my older brothers for years. I’ve written about my resulting PTSD and the personal challenges I have faced in learning to live with the effects of trauma. I’ve written about my healing… Continue reading My Brother Made Contact