Setting boundaries is an important part of the healing process.
Little did I understand my ‘illness.’ Calling it that is a first for me. All these years I loaded blame onto my shoulders and into my being for not keeping up, for intense reactions, even screaming if someone came up from behind or around a corner. Usually that was my kids, and most times not purposely because they learned early on that’s not funny with Mom because it caused a very serious scare.
But there is so much more, and it hasn’t been given gentleness or compassion, only self-hatred for being so different, for not being able to do what others do so easily, for being so tired, scared, and forever mistrusting. Even when someone truly cared, in my mind it is, ‘What are you up to? What do you want?’
It is not a life anyone else would want. In the night it strikes. I hadn’t thought of my…
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It’s been three weeks since I spoke on the phone with my brother, Kevin – the brother who physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused me for years as a child and teenager. It was the first time we have spoken in twenty-seven years. He called my folks on Christmas day. My mother, who has Alzheimer’s… Continue reading Beneath the Surface
photo by Patricia
Price tag? One life.
Thinking back on my life, and looking at it now, the wonder is how this place was achieved with so much trauma and anxiety ruling each day. The power of one individual makes me take stock, but with a sense of sadness at what was stolen.
My life is worth admiration. Yet I’m not in it enough to appreciate that fact. There it is beside me as if I’m living that life apart from the real body and being. Retreating to my safe place is where I still go.
Though work occurs now to be present in the moment, it is work. At least now there is awareness that I go elsewhere.
A therapist once said, “Just show up.”
What did that mean? Years later, after the book, and delving into the community of women survivors of childhood sexual abuse blogging on-line, I…
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I did it again. I had the opportunity to feel emotion but I wouldn’t allow it to happen. The emotion was fear. I had a good Thanksgiving with most of my family members present. It was a Thanksgiving for which to be truly grateful, not because of the gathering and sharing of food and conversation,… Continue reading I Had a Chance to Feel…