I used to play the role of victim. I didn’t feel like anything was within my control. Over the past decade I’ve learned that, because of my trauma, I’ve always had a strong tendency to try to control everything and everyone that enters my sphere of existence. It’s when things don’t work out the way… Continue reading Surrender
My stepfather called me today to tell me that my older brother, Kevin – the one who molested me and beat me for years – was coming to visit him and my mother (he lives out of state). I’ve had my guard up all day half-expecting my stepfather to call me and tell me my… Continue reading I’ve Just Been Triggered BIG TIME!
Prior to being declared permanently disabled by the Social Security Administration in 2007, I was earning about $25,000 a year. I now live at the poverty level. This took some getting used to. One of the most important things that have helped me come to terms with my new life is learning to discern between… Continue reading Adjusting to Life on Social Security Disability Insurance
I look forward to the day when I can take action on these wise words.
The struggle is to make room for all the feelings and not run. That door is locked, open it, let it air. Because closing off one room causes stagnation. Free the feeling by feeling it and acknowledging it is there which allows for quicker dissipation.
Running from a feeling freezes and locks it. There it stays until the door is opened. The tendency is to escape from feelings of sadness or loneliness on this bright sunshiny day. Yet those feelings accompany me daily as part of my whole repertoire.
Note those and move on, because other feelings also exist. When burying one, you bury them all; the bright greens of summer while walking the meadow as the soft breeze whispers through my hair, the heron startled by my presence lifting off with such grace to fish farther down the creek, the intense quiet of a summer day interspersed with a…
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Today, my therapist brought up discontinuing our therapy sessions, citing that I am doing well. I felt an instantaneous resistance to the idea. I had been seeing a therapist every week or two for nine years. When she left the organization, I was given a new therapist, Margie. I connected with her right away. She… Continue reading Last Day of Therapy
Messages We grew up afraid, unsure of ourselves. Stupid! Idiot! What are you, a moron? We grew up believing we were in the way. Children are meant to be seen, not heard! Some of us became rebels— lost ourselves in drugs, sex numbed ourselves with booze. Do as I say, not as I do! Some… Continue reading Poem: Messages