It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. Been working through long bouts of depression with intermittent periods of mania. I’m currently writing my second collection of poetry, as well as participating in two writers’ groups, so that keeps me pretty busy these days.
Now for the news. I’ve written previously that my older brother who sexually and physically abused me connected with me last November through email. We’ve been writing back and forth every so often about how we are doing. Then things changed.
I decided to give him my phone number. I’d avoided doing so because he is an active alcoholic and I didn’t want him calling me while under the influence. But, I felt that it was time. He was surprised and elated that I made this step. He called me. We spoke for more than an hour. He confided in me that he had been sexually abused by our father from the ages of seven to twelve (my father moved to California when he was twelve and I was ten). He also told me that one of his friends, who was three years his senior, had sexual relations with him. He said he wondered if he was gay. I wonder if, perhaps, that was one of the driving forces that led him to have sex with me two to three times a week for five years — trying to prove to himself that he wasn’t gay. Whatever his reasons, he has made his amends. He told me, “You don’t know how many times I cry over what I did to you. I can’t express how sorry I am.”
We have decided to meet face to face. I haven’t laid eyes on him in thirty years. This could be an incredible healing experience for the both of us, but I am aware that making eye contact with him could trigger my inner child and cause me to flashback to when I was young and in the midst of all the abuse. I will keep my boundaries strong. He told me he needs to give me a huge hug. I told him that we’ll have to wait and see how things go. He understands that I might get triggered.
I’m excited about the possibility of deep healing from the trauma I experienced. We’ve spoken several times on the phone, each conversation lasting about an hour. Our talks feel very comfortable to me. I feel a strong connection with him. I think it is because our damaged inner children — as well as our current adult selves who carry the burdens of abuse — empathize with each other.
We’ll be meeting at my stepfather’s house (my mother was recently moved to an Alzheimer’s memory support unit). My stepfather knows the situation. It will be a safe space for us to reconnect. I don’t want to meet in public in case I get triggered. I will have my car and will be able to leave at any time. I will make an appointment with my therapist for the following morning. She and I have discussed what I need to do to keep myself safe and in control of the situation.
I will let you know how things turn out.
Much love to you all in your own healing journeys.