As the days get warmer, sun and blue skies become the norm. Trees haven’t begun to bud, here in my part of Connecticut, and the grass has yet to sprout green blades, but I know these things will happen soon. My heart grows lighter as anticipation blooms. I am slowly coming out of my winter funk, though lack of physical and mental energy, as well as lack of motivation, still hold me back from doing things I enjoy much of the time.
Now that Spring has arrived, I’ve decided that I need to make some changes. I decided that I am tired of giving in to unhealthy food choices. I am tired of carrying around an extra forty-five pounds, which adds to my feeling sluggish and weak. I am tired of looking in the mirror and feeling bad about the way I see myself. Inside, I still have the heart and spirit of a dancer. I want a body to match who I truly am. Some people say that the body is a mirror of the soul, that the way we treat it is how we feel about ourselves.
I decided that I have hated myself long enough. I have directed my self-hatred at my body, treating it not only with disrespect, but with disdain. I have treated my body as my enemy, instead of as a trusted friend. The time has come to make amends for the abuse I have put it through over the years. The time has come for me to love myself and my body, to allow my body to become a vessel for my true spirit. I have made great strides in my healing journey as far as my trauma goes. I have become a strong, confident, courageous, independent, and powerful woman in my own right. It is time for my body to reflect this.
Last week, I joined a local gym. I met with a trainer, who customized a weight-training and cardio program for me. I will begin slowly, working out every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I know it won’t be easy; I have been sedentary for far too long. My muscles are weak, and I get out-of-breath climbing a flight of stairs. I know it will take time. I will focus on small, manageable goals. I will apply the knowledge I have gleaned from numerous nutrition and healthy lifestyle books to my daily eating habits. I have my bingeing pretty much under control. I haven’t purged in more than three years. I will drink more water and less caffeine.
I will also work on my spiritual self, returning to the daily practice of mindfulness meditation and Qi Gong. I will focus my intent on what I want out of life instead of what I don’t want. I will work on balancing body, mind, and spirit.
So, with you as my witness, I make these intentions known. One step at a time. One day at a time. Slowly but surely, I will heal the imbalance that I have allowed to reign over my life.