Hi, everyone.
It’s been more than a week since I’ve written a post. I am enveloped by a physical and mental depression I just can’t seem to shake. This is the first time I’ve gotten online in five days. I just don’t have the energy. I am overwhelmed by the slightest thought of having to accomplish anything. I decided to push through and give you all an update.
My therapist told me that, although I don’t feel emotionally triggered by having spoken on the phone with my abusive brother – first time in 27 years – I have, in fact, been triggered. She told me that all the emotional work is being processed beneath the surface. I’m doing my best to be gentle and patient with myself, to give myself as much rest as my body tells me it needs. I have been spending 12 hours a night in bed and napping throughout the day. The slightest exertion exhausts me.
Every so often, I try to push through it, like going to my chiropractic appointments and doing some light grocery shopping. But I’ve mostly been isolating. I have met with friends for coffee twice in these past five weeks. I was able to get myself to attend a fellow author’s book reading but canceled on my journaling and writing groups.
I’ve been eating like crap, existing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, microwave dinners, caffeine, and popcorn. Now I’ve taken to eating two bowls of ice cream for lunch. I have managed to broil chicken a few times.
I saw my therapist on Monday, who suggested I see my primary care doctor to rule out physical illness. I did. He tested my iron, vitamin-D, and thyroid – all are normal, though the labs showed I am slightly anemic. I met with my med nurse yesterday. She put me on the lowest dosage (37.5 mg) of an antidepressant – Effexor. We need to be careful because antidepressants can trigger mania in me due to my bipolar disorder. She told me it could take a couple of weeks to kick in. I hope it doesn’t take that long. I am tired of being tired.
Thanks for your supportive words of encouragement these past weeks. I know many of you understand what I am going through.
Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash.com
I Walk with a Limp 
It is so hard when we go through stuff like this. The best we can do is try to care for ourselves as best we can, and be gentle and compassionate. If your psyche is processing old pain and hurt, I would imagine this takes a lot of energy. While I am not a therapist, I have been through major depression 3 times in my life. Knowing that nothing is ever permanent and this too shall pass has helped me, but when we are in the depths, that can ring hollow. I send you hope and warmth and good thoughts for increased energy and strength as you move through this.
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Thank you so much. Yes, this too shall pass. Just trying to let it ride its course. Be well.
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Maybe I’m delusional, but peanut butter and popcorn sound nutritious to me. And easy microwave dinners include vegetables?
Rest accomplishes a great deal, more than we realize, especially in this fast-paced day and age. Sounds to me like you are doing a very good job at self-care.
What you faced recently, and with such grace? I feel at a loss for words. More than running the IRON MAN, more than swimming the English Channel, more than just about anything I can think of.
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Wow! I never thought of it like that. It just seemed like a natural next step on my healing journey – talking with him. I acknowledge that I have come a long way in order for me to be able to do that. I’m just trying to listen to my internal voice. Right now, it says rest, so that’s what I’ll continue to do. Took my first antidepressant tablet this morning. Here’s hoping…
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I hope you feel better soon. Thank goodness that our beds can comfort us.
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Thanks! Nothing more comforting than being under warm blankets cuddling with my cat!
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Sounds like you’re doing the absolute most you can right now, and I hope you understand that getting out of bed, eating, getting medical care, and the other things you’re doing, are a big deal. As miserable as it is, and I have some idea of the struggle, you’re taking care of yourself. I hope your new meds help before too long.
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Thanks. I try to acknowledge my accomplishments, such as getting out of bed and washing my face and eating. It definitely is a struggle. Just taking it one day at a time.
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