It’s been more than a week since I’ve written a post. I am enveloped by a physical and mental depression I just can’t seem to shake. This is the first time I’ve gotten online in five days. I just don’t have the energy. I am overwhelmed by the slightest thought of having to accomplish anything. I decided to push through and give you all an update.
My therapist told me that, although I don’t feel emotionally triggered by having spoken on the phone with my abusive brother – first time in 27 years – I have, in fact, been triggered. She told me that all the emotional work is being processed beneath the surface. I’m doing my best to be gentle and patient with myself, to give myself as much rest as my body tells me it needs. I have been spending 12 hours a night in bed and napping throughout the day. The slightest exertion exhausts me.
Every so often, I try to push through it, like going to my chiropractic appointments and doing some light grocery shopping. But I’ve mostly been isolating. I have met with friends for coffee twice in these past five weeks. I was able to get myself to attend a fellow author’s book reading but canceled on my journaling and writing groups.
I’ve been eating like crap, existing on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, microwave dinners, caffeine, and popcorn. Now I’ve taken to eating two bowls of ice cream for lunch. I have managed to broil chicken a few times.
I saw my therapist on Monday, who suggested I see my primary care doctor to rule out physical illness. I did. He tested my iron, vitamin-D, and thyroid – all are normal, though the labs showed I am slightly anemic. I met with my med nurse yesterday. She put me on the lowest dosage (37.5 mg) of an antidepressant – Effexor. We need to be careful because antidepressants can trigger mania in me due to my bipolar disorder. She told me it could take a couple of weeks to kick in. I hope it doesn’t take that long. I am tired of being tired.
Thanks for your supportive words of encouragement these past weeks. I know many of you understand what I am going through.
Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash.com