I just ordered the final proof of my soon-to-be-published book. As I schedule book readings and signings, the old tapes assault my mind and cause fear and uncertainty. Thoughts that shout, “You’re not good enough.” “You’re a terrible writer.” “Book reviewers will hate your book.” “Your grammar sucks.” “You’re going to stumble over your words when you speak and make a fool of yourself.” “You’re going to say something stupid during Q & A.” “No one cares what you have to say.” “You’re going to invest money into marketing and you won’t sell a single book – you’ll never make your money back.” The list goes on.
When I hear these thoughts in my head, they are in the critical and dismissive tone of my mother’s voice. She often made me feel that I’ll never be good enough no matter what I try to achieve. It takes tremendous effort to shut her out, to tell myself that these thoughts are not reality, to convince myself that I am good enough, that my voice does matter and can make a difference in the lives of other survivors.
I need to tune into my intuitive voice, the voice that tells me I am on the right path, that what I’m doing is important, that if I help one survivor find her voice and feel hopeful about her future, my book will have fulfilled its purpose.
I need to have faith that my intuition will continue to steer me toward personal growth and healing. Publishing my book is pushing me past my comfort zone. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, and my old need to people-please keep trying to surface. I will continue to challenge my fears. I will continue to take the steps necessary to achieve my goal. My only failure will be if I allow my fears to prevent me from pursuing my dream of helping other trauma survivors by sharing with them my story and my journey toward healing.
Thank you to all my readers who to continue to offer me support and encouragement. Your words carry me through my periods of doubt and give me the courage I need to succeed.