This entry might trigger you. It could be helpful for you to talk to someone if this happens.
The relationship I have developed with my body is an amalgam of complex psychological and emotional issues brought about by the effects of trauma, as well as being raised to be a beauty pageant contestant and model.
I had won beauty pageants and modeling competitions throughout my childhood and teen years and was a professional model in my twenties. I was raised to believe that my worth is directly related to my outward appearance, which contributes greatly to my current self-loathing for being overweight, due to the side effects of psych meds as well as my emotional binge eating.
As I mentioned in my post A Journey of Light and Love, I believe that my weight issues are also directly tied to my wanting to avoid unwanted sexual advances. My weight is my protection. It keeps me safe.
But the self-loathing I feel towards my body goes much deeper than its physical appearance. At the root of my self-hatred is shame and guilt, which are the direct result of being sexually molested as a child.
What I am about to write could be considered a taboo subject, but I think it is important to address, for I know I am not alone in my experience.
I knew, deep within the very core of my being, that the sexual acts forced upon me by my older brother, Kevin, were wrong. Being molested was a tremendously difficult and confusing experience for me.
At the age of eight, when the touching began, I had experienced sensations that were strange, terrifying, and yet, oddly pleasant, though I didn’t equate what my brother was doing to me with pleasure in any form. As an eight-year-old, I did not know or understand that humans are sexual beings by nature. Sexual contact is meant to be pleasurable. This pleasure is what helps propagate our species.
I was always repulsed by the very thought of Kevin touching me. I was repulsed by him forcing me to touch him and engage in oral sex. But when he touched me, I could not comprehend what my body was feeling. A friend of mine, who is also an incest survivor, calls it the “ginger ale” feeling.
As a sexual being, my body sometimes responded against my will to my brother’s touch. This only got worse when my brother began sexual intercourse with me at the age of ten. I hated my body for betraying me.
I became wracked with guilt and shame and self-loathing. As I got older, I began to wonder if, because of my body’s natural responses to being touched in a sexual way, Kevin had interpreted these responses as my having liked what he was doing to me. I wondered if that was what kept him coming back for more.
There was also the physical sense of affection. Kevin had often beat me violently. But, because he was my brother, I loved him. I craved his love, acceptance, and approval. As an adult, I’ve wondered if I had interpreted his kissing and fondling me as acts of love. Did I ever give subconscious signals that what he was doing to me was okay?
Sometimes I’ve wondered if the gang rape I had experienced at the age of twelve was somehow my fault. Many girls at that age are awakening to their sexuality. I’ve wondered if I had flirted with any of the boys who had raped me. Did I in some way give them the impression that I would welcome sex?
Every so often a memory will surface, or a flashback will occur, and I’ll become overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and self-loathing as I wonder if I had brought the abuse upon myself. I know that the molestation and rape were not my fault, but that does not prevent these thoughts from happening.
Because of my trauma and being raised to be a beauty pageant contestant and model, I had developed an eating disorder. Over the years, I have discussed with therapists my continuing issues with emotional eating, as well as my self-destructive and unhealthy food choices.
It’s as if I punish myself with food. Whenever I am anxious or stressed or triggered my first impulse is to inhale an entire cheesecake until I feel so ill that I stick my finger down my throat and purge to feel better. I did this for decades. I no longer purge, but I still need to fight the tendency to reach for food as a way of stuffing any uncomfortable feelings and memories that I don’t want to deal with.
Every time I try to eat healthily I end up sabotaging my efforts. Every time I try to lose weight, I sabotage my efforts. I feel fat and ugly and overwhelmingly uncomfortable in my body, but I can’t seem to do the things I need to do to change that.
Although I want to be “thin and beautiful” again, this is not the real issue. Dieting and exercise might help change the way I feel about my appearance, but it won’t change the way I feel inside. The challenge I face moving forward is to come to terms with my feelings and belief that my body had betrayed me. I must stop relating to my body as if it were my enemy. I must find a way to forgive my body and let go of the shame, guilt, and self-loathing associated with it.
I don’t know how to accomplish this yet. But I know that I can’t love myself while hating my body. Hopefully, I will be able to work through these issues with my therapist.
I Walk with a Limp 
Another brave, vulnerable, and beautifully written post. ❤️
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Thank you. 🙂
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Hi. I noticed that you don’t have a “reblog” button on your page. I love what you write and would like to share some of your posts with my readers. Would it be okay if I copy and paste them?
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I don’t? Hmmmm, that is so weird I thought I did. I’ll look tomorrow. But of course feel free anytime to copy and paste my friend ❤️
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Thank you!
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Maybe the reblog button is there and I just didn’t see it?
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I see it on my it you click on a post without scrolling through the reader but Im not sure how I did that at the moment. I’ll do more investigating when I get home this evening. 😊
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Thank you for your authenticity and vulnerability in your post. I could totally relate to the body issues. I have had the same struggles in the past. Psyche meds put some weight on me as well but I need them to get through my day so I have accepted the weight and I have learned how to feel beautiful as I am most of the time. It took me 14 years to get there but I am there most of the time. Wishing you much love and energy as you work through this with your therapist. I feel you courage, determination and deep honesty. Again, thanks for your blog.
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Thank you for your kind words. I hope that one day I will be able to accept and love my body as you do, for I believe it is a big part of the healing process. Thanks also for your wishes of love and energy.
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I can absolutely relate to your story (unfortunately). The one thing that’s helped me change my inner dialog the quickest, has been using alternative therapies that fall under the umbrella of Energy Healing. People with shamanic training have also been very helpful. What moved me forward the fastest and easiest was hypnotherapy. Getting in touch with my subconscious mind, where I could directly address the hurt little girl within. (I’ve written about some of my hypnosis sessions on my blogs if you’re curious). I hope you find whatever works best for you.
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Thank you for your suggestions. I’d love to do energy healing work, but unfortunately I can’t work it into my limited budget. I’ve always been hesitant when it comes to hypnotherapy. I will read your blogs to find out more about it.
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It is brave and courageous to write about your experience. Getting therapy to work through it all is such a gift. Take it easy and have as much compassion as you can for yourself and for that younger version of yourself who was doing the best she could at the time. You will heal from this, and you will use your deep compassion perhaps to help others heal as well.
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Thank you. I agree. Compassion toward my younger self, and myself today, is crucial to the healing process. It’s difficult sometimes. It seems so much easier to beat myself up and put myself down. It is a constant struggle. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
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A ‘ like ‘ just doesn’t seem like the correct response to your post. Your strength and determination despite everything you have been through is what shines out to me. I hope your story helps many others realise that somebody understands what they are going through. Keep writing and sharing.
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Thank you. I hope my posts help other survivors realize that they are not alone.
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You are welcome…I have absolutely no doubt but they will realise someone understands!! Relax into the journey ahead and be a voice for others!
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“I believe that my weight issues are also directly tied to my wanting to avoid unwanted sexual advances. My weight is my protection. It keeps me safe.”
“Every time I try to eat healthily I end up sabotaging my efforts. Every time I try to lose weight, I sabotage my efforts. I feel fat and ugly and overwhelmingly uncomfortable in my body, but I can’t seem to do the things I need to do to change that.”
“Although I want to be “thin and beautiful” again, this is not the real issue. Dieting and exercise might help change the way I feel about my appearance, but it won’t change the way I feel inside.”
These three statements from your post above have touched me deeply. I am having a hard time finding words to express how I am feeling right now. I am so sorry for the things that you experienced and how they have made you feel about yourself. All I can say right now is I totally understand and your post gave me words to feelings I couldn’t understand about myself. Thank you for sharing this. It has helped me.
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Thank you so much for your support. I’m deeply grateful that my words have helped you. Body image is a difficult thing to deal with for survivors in particular. I grew up hating my body because of all the abuse. Now the weight issues have really lowered my self-esteem, though it goes much deeper than that. It’s so comforting to know that others understand. Thank you.
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