Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who was staring back at you?
It’s only within the last several years that I have begun to really get a sense of who I am. As a survivor of violence, incest, and rape – trauma which had begun at the age of eight – I had no sense of self. My worth as a human being had been determined by my abusers. Every assault, every violation pulled me further away from ever getting to know myself.
I knew that I was a person who lived in fear. I knew that I was a person who questioned everything I felt, thought, said, or did. I knew that I was a person who always sought to please people so that I would be safe. Most of all, I knew that I was a person who hated herself.
I grew up believing that other people’s truths had to be my truths, that their values had to be my values, what they believed, I had to believe. Who was I to question them? Who was I to think that I could have values, opinions, thoughts, and feelings of my own? To even consider this as a possibility would, I believed, put myself in danger. It was safer to just go along with what others dictated.
I floundered my way into adulthood. My sense of self drifted from one value and belief system to another, depending upon who my friends were or who I was dating at the time. I hadn’t a clue as to who I was. I’d never heard of low self-esteem until I got into therapy in my thirties. All I knew was that I lived every day in fear. I felt like I was being swallowed by it. Fear dictated how I interacted with other people and how I navigated my world. I felt lost and alone.
This was only compounded by my alcoholism. The deeper I sank into the bottle, the more lost and alone I felt. I had no center, nothing to hold onto. I couldn’t comprehend how I could feel so much fear and at the same time feel so numb.
It wasn’t until I was about two years into my sobriety that I began to realize that I was a stranger to myself. I realized that I had no beliefs, values, thoughts, or opinions to call my own. I hadn’t a clue as to what I wanted out of life, or who I wanted to be. All I knew was that I was a people-pleaser. I was afraid to think or feel differently than other people. I feared their disapproval. I feared their rejection. I feared their anger.
Part of my journey has been to discover who I am at a core level. What do I think? What do I believe? What do I value? What do I want? These questions might be easy for some, but for me they were difficult to answer – and scary. I worried What if I don’t like who I find beneath all these layers of damage? What if I discover that I really am worthless and unlovable?
Getting to know myself has been a rewarding challenge; to learn what I think, feel, and want and be able to express these things without fear of retribution or rejection. Though I sometimes still second-guess myself, doubt myself, and people-please.
While I’ve realized that my wants and needs are fluid, changing with time and life experiences, I have been able to determine some things about myself with a strong degree of confidence:
I know that I value sincerity, honesty and trustworthiness. I value integrity. I value friendship and family.
I know that I want to get to the point in my healing process where I no longer feel the need to refer to myself as a trauma survivor. I want to help other survivors on their own journeys toward healing. I want to help dissolve the stigma of mental illness. I want to stop caring about what other people think of me. I want to feel safe in the world. I want to be able to love myself.
I know that I am a good person. I am a spiritual person. I know that I feel compassion and empathy for others. I believe that we are all connected, that we all come from the same Source of Light and Love, even the most vile and inhumane among us. I believe that those who have chosen a path of Darkness have their own karmic burdens to bear.
I believe in being kind. I believe that everyone is worthy of love. I believe that we are stewards of this beautiful planet we call home, and of all the animals upon it. I believe it is our duty to take care of this planet for future generations. I believe in the importance of being of service to others, and to help those in need.
I believe that each person has their own path to follow. I believe in a woman’s right to choose. I believe in the power of a people united in the name of peace and solidarity. I believe in the power of one person’s voice.
Getting to know myself will be a lifelong journey. I look forward to discovering what lies within the depths of my heart and mind as each day presents itself with new challenges and rewards. Thank you for joining me as I continue along my path of self-exploration and self-realization.
You are worthy of everything you discover about yourself. They tried to take it all away, but they can never touch the core of who you really are. Im glad Im on this journey with you. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi! I just posted your poem, The Shadow of Fear. WordPress wouldn’t keep the format centered, so everything is aligned with the left margin. I posted it on my Facebook pages as well. Just finished reading If I Could Tell You How It Feels. Loved it. Thank you for writing it and sharing it with the world!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank You so, so much!!! ❤️!
LikeLike
Your welcome! Thank you for letting me share it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
So beautifully said! I relate so much to you. Despite what we’ve been through, we have to find the beauty, and push through to show others that they’re not alone. I feel that’s the most important thing. ❤️
LikeLike
I agree. That’s why I created my blog, to let other survivors know that they are not alone. I’m so glad we’ve connected!
LikeLiked by 1 person