I believe that we all come from the same Source of Light and Love, that we are spiritual beings who have chosen to come here to learn and to grow spiritually. For a very long time, I have felt a disconnect with this Light and Love.
I had become a victim at the hands of those who have turned away from this Light, who have chosen a path of Darkness, for their own life lessons. I eventually succumbed to the pain of my trauma which led me down a path of alcoholism for nearly three decades. I ended up living in fear, and isolation. Life, at times, seemed unbearable. I still live with an underlying, pervasive fear and anxiety because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
As a survivor of violence, incest, and rape, I came to believe that the world is an unsafe place. I believed that to trust, to be open and vulnerable, was to put myself in harm’s way. So, I built a wall around my Light, and buried it deep. I hid my Light from those who would try to steal it. This, I believed, is what I needed to do to survive.
I chose to live in the shadows, where I believed I would be safe. I convinced myself that if my Light didn’t shine out in the world, those who have chosen Darkness could not find me. But every so often I would take a chance and emerge from the shadows and allow my Light to shine. I would inevitably attract unhealthy romantic relationships, which usually ended with me emotionally devastated. I would conclude that being out in the world wasn’t safe for me and would once again retreat into the shadows.
At the age of forty-three I was put on psych meds for bipolar disorder. I quickly gained weight – nearly seventy pounds within a year and a half. Unhealthy romantic relationships were no longer an issue, as men no longer seemed to find me attractive. At forty-four, with the help of a support group and a twelve-step program, I got sober.
At forty-nine, I developed gastroparesis for two years due to decades of bulimia. Since I was unable to hold down food, I rapidly lost weight. I felt confident, strong. My Light began to shine. Men started to come at me from all directions. I ended up in yet another dysfunctional relationship, which ended with me in tears.
But that didn’t stop all sorts of men from coming on to me. I felt too vulnerable, too exposed, so once again I retreated to the shadows and have remained there for nearly seven years. But this time, when I shielded my Light from others, I lost my connection with it. I rarely smile. I rarely laugh. I must have buried my Light too deep.
I realized that one of the ways I hide my Light is to not wear bright colors, so that I don’t draw attention to myself. My wardrobe consists of black, gray, muted purples, greens, and blues. I have also gained back thirty-five pounds of the weight I had lost and have had great difficulty losing it.
One of the reasons for this difficulty is that my weight serves as protection. It protects me from unwanted sexual advances. It causes me to feel unattractive and self-conscious. I give off the vibe that I am unworthy of attention. I continue to use my weight to hide my Light.
Hiding my Light isn’t just about not having men be attracted to me. It has to do with fear. It has to do with not feeling safe in the world. It has to do with being afraid to explore all the wonderful things the world has to offer. It has to do with being afraid to express myself and to allow people to see me as I truly am, with all my flaws and failings, as well as any unique gifts and attributes I possess.
As for the ability to feel Love, that was stolen from me a long time ago. I feel compassion, I feel empathy, but I do not experience the emotion of Love. Whenever I was in a romantic relationship, I would think I felt love, but what I really felt was infatuation, even obsession. I was so desperate to experience love that I would put up with a great deal of dysfunction. I hope one day I will be able to reclaim the Love I possessed before all my trauma began.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I guess I subconsciously decided that it was time for me to come out of the shadows again. Creating this blog is helping me to do that. It is time for me to reconnect, not only with the Light and Love within myself, but with the world.
This is difficult for me to do, for it requires me to summon courage, inner strength, hope, and faith. Not faith in a religious sense. I refer to faith in my ability to heal the wounds of my past so that I can once again feel safe in the world. Safe to explore, safe to express myself, safe to feel the Love with which I came into this world.
The journey toward wholeness is one of patience, acceptance, and understanding. My greatest ally is the Divine power that lies within me. When I open myself to this power, I draw strength from it. I can rely on this strength to protect and guide me as I work toward healing my woundedness.
It might take a while, but I believe there is no greater journey for me than the journey which will bring me back to my own Divine nature of Light and Love.
Photo by Kendall Lane on Unsplash